Nearing the End

It’s nearly the end of Karttika. These last several days have been a bit more challenging. Even though I felt like I was getting adequate nutrition before, last week I just started feeling very low energy in the evenings. I’ve ended up taking ekadasi-style prasad in the evenings but I still go to bed hungry. It’s weird. I’m trying to tell myself that in just a few days I’ll be able to eat normally but I kind of want to just fill my body now. I was thinking about maybe trying to follow the Bhisma-Pancaka vows but this is definitely not the year for that. It’s enough to be trying to observe Karttika with these vratas (around food, meditation, writing, and kindness) while in a very tough time academically. I’m not in a place to be able to study and meditate on the story of Bhisma, much less follow such an intense vrata.
Speaking of vratas. Even though I’m an Enneagram 1, it turns out that I’m not so good at keeping vows! This blog has obviously not been quite a daily endeavor, and there were a good handful of days when I ate more than one meal due to family/social engagements or due to paper-writing-induced exhaustion. I still feel okay about my vratas and mood for Karttika, though, because when I didn’t quite follow what I had laid out, it was with good intentions.
I like to think that intention, or mood, is the most important, even more than vows. I would like to think that when I take a serious vow I follow it, even if there are a few days when circumstances mean that it would be healthier and more sensible to not follow it to the letter. But am I just trying to have it both ways? I think of myself as a reasonable, sensible, balanced person who can make good judgements, given adequate information. I think there can be a subtle line between being “balanced” and just trying to have it both ways. Probably the proof is in the pudding – that is, in the intention. It’s hard to find fault with someone who is really sincerely trying to live a balanced life and honor their various principles. I think for me the question is, am I trying to remember and serve Krishna here? Often I find the answer is that I am trying to serve myself.
About a week ago I realized that an important remembrance for me to have is to not criticize people and to generally be nice and treat people with compassion. I know this is a pretty basic ethical principle, but (as an Enneagram 1) it’s very easy for me to be unnecessarily critical. Maybe another important remembrance I should try to follow is, how can I serve Krishna here?

One thought on “Nearing the End

  1. focus on your exams now, eat and sleep well to achieve the goal. Krishna wants no longterm negative side effects from devout sadhana, iam afraid thats what you are going through now…the negative effects or a burn out if you will. Studies first and steady income thereafter take precedence over ritual.


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